Back to Life, Back to Reality

You know, that title should be in a song.


I’m six-ish weeks removed from family tragedy, and as I’d anticipated (for myself at least), acceptance has settled in, and the day by day is going by well enough. I’m still having these moments where something small and largely inconsequential hits me and I just break down, but for the most part, I’m back to moving forward, though with some periodic somberness attached.

I’m a firm believer that your objective reality (oh here he goes, preaching Ayn Rand again), is what should guide you day to day. Aligning your principles with that objective reality, and rocking your truth, so to speak. So I’ve been trying to do that.

Health considerations have been at the fore of late. I’m doing my best not to freak out and jump into panic attacks, making my heart pound faster, which in turn exacerbates said panic attack and makes it worse (like an echo chamber, or feedback on a guitar at a Van Halen concert).

The biggest change of late has been the closing of my humble little North Country dojo. It’s a big change, for certain, but one that was necessary for my overall mental well being. Stress wrecks my physical body and manifests itself as a sore back, foggy head, no-sleep destroyed human being. Removing stress is key right now for me to get myself on the right track, so I’ve been doing as much change in my life as I can manage but with one pure goal in mind – reduce all stress.

So hours will be freed up in the afternoons, and I’ve dedicated a portion of each of my days to sanity and self-care. What makes me feel good? Writing. So I’ll write. What has me feeling healthy in the morning? Avocado toast with an egg, so that’s been my go-to breakfast. What makes me feel comfortable in my own skin? Wearing a stylish hat. So I’m wearing the damn hat. What makes me feel well-rested? Getting plenty of solid sleep…

… okay I don’t really have that one down.

My big struggle currently is finding my voice and not giving a shit about what people think. As a public figure with a community karate school, you need to censor yourself to a degree, just so you don’t freak out parents or fellow business owners. Finding an outlet where I can let my thoughts fly is not easy. Facebook is lame, and Twitter can be, well, Twitter.

At any rate, this is all part of getting back to being me. Life is very short, and it can be over in a blink, the less time we all waste trying to alter ourselves to please everyone is the less time we have to be ourselves, and to me, that’s not okay. I’ve spent the better part of 43 years trying to figure out how to tiptoe around clashing personalities while never really getting it right, perhaps it’s time to just walk forward and knock whatever shit is in my way to the ground in the process.

Nicely, of course. 🙂


I am a walking, talking contradiction. INFJ, martial artist, father of 3 awesome boys, database nerd, aficionado of great music, coffee snob, tattooed, overflowing with at-times crippling amounts of empathy. Now you know me, which means we can never hang out. Sorry, but not really, I'd find an excuse not to no matter what.

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